never lose your self control

So here's the deal. I have had a few people tell me that i havent written anything in a while or havent posted any pictures. While i do have SOME from the past week and i will post and try to fill n a few days from last week, i have been slacking, and i am sorry.

I have been really really busy and over the top stressed out. I haven't written anything becuase honestly, i was afraid that whatever i wrote would be negative and although i would never write about any specific situations of people, i know for a fact that everyone interprets blogs thier own way and i absolutly do not want that to happen.

The entire week and a half has honestly been a blur, and i know that i already have memory problems but i honestly cannot remember most of it. I was having severe chest pains half way through the week, slept maybe 8 hours for the whole week and i couldnt tell you the last day off i had. I took some medicine i had left over from last time i got these pains, pulled out my old heating pad and curled up for the night, you know to wallow in my own self pity for a while..lol. Nothing is wrong, i will be okay i knew right away from a past horrific time in my life that i was having a panic attack and becuase of the anxiety i cannot slow my heart rate down or breath quick enough to get oxygen into my lungs. Like i said it has happened before.

So after spending that night and the next few nights trying to come up with the best way to fix my current mood problem i made a few rash decisions which only made things worse. Anyway, i guess you dont need to know all of this but i dont care anymore, it needs to get off my chest, literally. Even though i HATE the solution, i will be picking up a new anxiety prescription which will hopefully help, unfortunately i doubt it.

A while ago, i was on more meds than i could name or remember to take and it was absolutely miserable i could barely function. I am terrified of that happening again.

Honestly, i still dont feel very well and i really just feel scared and really really lonely and i just cannot take it anymore. Where is my hole?

I apologize if i have given the impression of "bitch" lately to anyone reading this as i have heard it from a few. I am not trying to give an excuse just trying to function hour by hour the best that i know how without falling apart or letting any of this show.

"I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings showAnd I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-controlBut I'm just drunk enough to let go of my painTo hell with this pride, let it fall like rainFrom my eyes Tonight I wanna cry"

I am going to disable reader comments on this one becuase i just cannot take advice i get. People who genuinly care can talk to me in person if they like and other advice will be from people who think they know what i am going through and unless you have the power to get inside of me and think and feel my hurt you have no idea. and lastly i will get advice or encouragement from the people who contribute to my insanity and i cannot deal with that either.

so. read on and have a nice week. and remmeber that you are not the only person walking around this place. We all make very strong impacts on one another and our actions, thoughts and feelings whether be good or bad, effect other poeple. We are not alone even though sometimes we would rather be.