searching.

DO you know how sometimes you just want to write... well maybe you dont.. but im sure if you dont write you get your emotion or words out another way. For me, somedays I just want to ramble... so if for some reason your reading this, thats what you'll get. Lines of mismatched thoughts and questions and insights all rolled up into one, hopefully fairly short blog as im running late for my 4 hr. work day :)

It feels good to get things off my chest even if it involves a day of crying in bed with the puppy and/ or a day of sitting around doing nothing, talking to no one, listening to my own thoughts.. while that once was a very bad idea for me its not as terrifying anymore it leads more to my own self pity and realizations that this is currently where and what my life has become, minus of coarse the fact i live with an am planning a marriage to and life with the love of my life. Thats it. Thats all i have. I work and sit around doing nothing.

Every few months or so i sit around with these thoughts of change and ways of fixing my own problems.. i never actually act on any of them. pass a few more months along.. and im back to the same place. People and places and me. Just kinda here not really goin anywhere just kinda stuck. its not a terrible feeling, hell i could be going backwards but it not all that pleasent either.

How do you get outta your 'funks'? Last time i went full force into wedding planning and the time before i took on photography another time it was scrapbooking. My big plans and schemes and projects never last too long with me... i wonder why.

You'd think being a psych major id be able to figure myself out. Nope, Ill tell you everything that you can do to fix your own life... and then some. But me, I always spiral down so fast it seems that there is no room to try and just stop get up and then climb the highest mountain. Everything always seems to come at once. Things uncontrollable, others are but i never quite know it until its usually too late. I always end up screwing something up, its inevitable i have learned. So i just quietly sit and wait for it to happen again. maybe a few weeks this time, maybe a few months who knows, but im sure it will come to what degree of pain i never know.

This time i managed to involve others in it. That rarely happens but it makes me feel worse about myself. Ive spent the last 2 days trying to look back and see who i was when i was younger. Was I happy? Why cant i remember anything for even just a year ago. I dont even know a childhood. Why is that? Have i really been living like this all my life?

ugh this wasnt supposed to be soul-searching or depressing

what shall i do this time to move on? hmmm.....